Little Trobule Being

 One of the biggest understandings emerging now is how much of a trap tlittletroublehe idea of “being a good person” is.


In communities I have been someone people love and no one really has a a “real problem” with.


The compensation is just not worth it. 


I see how much avoiding outer conflict has caused inner conflict.


As a child Dante learned to swallow his truth to make others comfortable and maintain outer peace. He learned to stay quiet and accept what is.


Spiritual people love “accepting what is.” Except acceptance can become a distortion when it comes from letting others get away with terrible actions without consequence and awareness.


Being a good person” has brought me to… give more than I wanted to give…. pretend to be ok with things I’m not ok with… excuse people who  have done awful things and just let it slide…


And in this journey a song lyric I hadn’t heard in years came back; “if you want me to, I will be the one that is always good, and you’ll love me too, but you’ll never know what I feel inside, that I’m really bad, little trouble girl.”


Being a good person” has brought me to pretend I’m feeling other than I am. I fully believe we must cultivate a state of appreciation and balance emotionally always yet it cannot be a coverup or a glossing over of what is really inside and so many in the spiritual community don’t know the difference. 


Rushing to find resolution inside or to an outer conflict is always going to distort the process. It’s based on a limited assumption that a “healed state” is somehow innately better than an “unhealed state” which is a totally limited perspective. From Sources view all is always perfect! And that same understanding is used by many to rush people to their healing when really it’s a layer by layer process with every step being equal in its value. If you skip one step you’ll have no foundation to maintain the “totally healed state” that is your intention and you’ll just have to repeat the whole cycle.


Most people who spiritually by pass in this way are really hurting deep inside and they don’t understand trauma. They want to just move quickly to the love and light, yet in doing so they are fragmenting themselves more and being very dishonest.


I’m sorry mama, I would rather fight than have to lie.”


Also from the same song, “Little Trouble Girl,” by Sonic Youth. In spiritualizing myself I lost connection to this music that I still love because it is dark and dissonant, and I must be only good and loving. (When really, much of the art that seems dark is just a portal to see clearly the difference between what is light and what is dark, as truth is we live in a world that still contains great darkness.)


Yet this is the real truth: I’d rather fight than have to lie. I’d rather create outer conflict than have incongruence between what I say and what I believe and create more war inside.


I have enough love and I just keep getting more.


From now forward i am speaking what is true to me regardless of how uncomfortable it makes others feel. I wish they enjoy that discomfort because it is through it they will discover what is true for themselves.


If you want to be the one who is always seen as good, no one can ever know what you really feel inside. 


As we see with some renowned  healers being exposed for abuse… often those who are seen as the most pure are really the biggest liars. 


Nothing is as it seems.


In telling my truth others may see me as a bad person. And that’s just fine with me now. That’s a limited perspective. 


As all are one there are no good or bad people there are only good and bad actions. We all do a bit of both. We all contain the darkness and the light. 


I am not a good person. I’m also not a bad one either. I am in service to a greater ascension and collective healing in a unique way and my role looks different from every perspective, from every angle, through every filter that another is looking through. 


Cross my heat and hope to die, I cannot tell a lie.” Well, I can, and I have. Not with malicious intentions. Only white lies to keep the peace. I’ll let those kinds of actions remain in the past. I value much more my own alignment with my inner truth than what others may think about me. 


If you see me as a little trouble boy as a result… you’ll be invited to look at the filters through which you perceive me.

“Little Trouble Girl” by Sonic Youth, a flashback to my teenage years… when I really was a bit of trouble:

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