The Diamonds in the Disaster

I’m finding balance with this little excursion deep into the darkness… Thanks for all of the compassionate responses and beautiful love shared and kind birthday wishes.

(This post isn’t about the drama itself, it’s about the depth of the lessons gained from it. Long story short: Either someone I lived with stole my wallet from the counter or the fairies took it and hid it really, really well. We can never know though the feeling in me is still so strongly leaning towards the first one. I made what could have been a petty theft so much worse with my equally aggressive response. And this all happened right before my birthday. It’s been a pretty amazing ride!)

What disappeared is totally replaceable (and already has been/is being replaced) and no real damage is done on this level. The biggest damage that made everything explode and get even bigger was my own negative counter-reaction against what took place. I really made things 100 times worse than they needed to be (no exaggeration), yet even this mistake is not a mistake at a higher level… I see the gifts in everything.

If this post will be too long for you or too metaphysical for your liking the short answer is: “that really sucked but ALL IS WELL and time to move forward now.”
As someone who teaches and shares the message that “You create everything that manifests in your reality and for a good reason,” and having such an intense manifestation show up as a birthday gift for myself is a pretty epic thing to do….It’s actually the most remarkable thing I could do after a full and entire year of life with absolutely no major disasters/diseases/dramas. There’s certainly been stuff coming up, but nothing nearly as bad as what I did before and what just happened! And what an amazing way to demonstrate how to see such perceived disasters as the gifts they actually are!

Yet the truth is that every single birthday for me is a bit of a cataclysm. Birthdays for me are more like death days. They shake me to my very core and force my worst fears in my face so I can love them. On or around my birthday for the past four years I’ve either had a break-up/heart-break, or a theft. Perfectly planned and coordinated. Could it just be part of being a Scorpio? I would imagine it is much bigger than that… Though this year for me it was an especially Kali day.

There are at least 3 deep layers of frequencies/beliefs creating what is going on for me…

1) I’m so good at having things stolen. I’ve had packages delivered to my front porch and stolen. Now its items within my own house. It’s even happened that things were stolen from bags I’m sleeping practically on top of… I’ve had really important/valuable things stolen 5 times I can remember within 3 years. There must be some big pay-off in this. Though it’s not really about the stuff.

Having struggled so much, one of my strongest desires is to have total financial freedom. I want it so strongly. Yet I have this hidden belief that it must be better to be limited by my circumstances than to actually experience security and freedom. It’s like an invisible rubber band, and whenever I experience a sense of financial freedom, living my dreams, truly serving at big levels and being an inspiration, catalyst, teacher, whatever, there is always a massive tug that pulls me back to the ground, quick and hard, and I find myself heavily bruised and lost in the abyss once more…. because it must somehow be “safer” than flying to a part of me that still needs some attention.

Part of it is guilt that is triggered strongly when I’m surrounded otherwise by lack. The truth of the matter is the best way to help is to be the example of well-being, abundance, and freedom.

So many people have similar “invisible rubber bands…” Ways that they instantly bring their frequency back to square one, quickly, and painfully, because to be big and powerful has too many subconscious negative implications attached to it. I use money as my “invisible rubber band.” Other people will do it with diseases or relationships… As soon as things start getting “too good to be true,” a new allergic reaction or a sudden fight. Whoops! It’s a great way to sabotage all of that momentum.

2) For many people, suffering is the only way they know how to connect and experience intimacy. There’s nothing like suffering to bring people together. And perhaps I’ve kept this invisible rubber band to make sure I’m still experiencing intimacy. “If I’m not in tremendous pain and needing to get out of it, why would I let someone else see so deep inside?”

In less than a full day I went from blazing a super high frequency to the lowest low I’ve experienced in well over a year. It’s a pretty wild gift to myself!

One thing I didn’t expect blazing a radiant frequency was how people’s responses and expectations are so different. Those little twinges of jealousy and bitterness have sometimes been enough for me to choose to dim my light.

Plummeting into the depths is a good way to see which friends will stick around and which will back off until you’re feeling better… Yet it’s not a good enough reason to want to do it anymore.

Somehow with this frenzy that has arisen around and within me, I find that my congestion I’ve had for weeks and weeks is just gone. There’s much more than just congestion that was liberated from this.

3) Perhaps the greatest freedom and gift that comes with this encounter is facing an energy within me (and within everyone) I will lovingly call the beast… Primal aggression and violence. The potential for it is within all people.

In this lifetime I learned to just stuff this sort of aggression away very quickly, and in finding spirituality it became even more of a no-no to even look at. A yogi cannot feel aggression and violence! Push it down with a mantra.

When I first began this path 6 years ago, I had a dream once that I was Jesus, and I was murdering people in the name of God. It was a very disturbing thing for me to experience. I was seeing a therapist at the time who, although spiritual, looked at it with me a bit, but for the most part shrugged it off.
For years whenever I would feel anything aggressive, I would instantly dissociate from my body and from reality until it would disappear. Cannot deny what’s running inside you… If you do, it will manifest outside!

This primal destructive force can be used and channeled in a good way… I’ve let it in over time in very small doses… How much aggression is actually allowed? Each time I would allow a bit more and learn to work with it, my health, energy, and everything would drastically improve. It feels like this is the very last little bit of it.

I refused to love “the beast.” I refused to love the violent energy and see it as part of myself. And as such, I attracted a situation that matched the frequency of violence and intentional harm.

When I realized what had happened, the fear inside me was so powerful and strong that presence and discernment totally went out the window. This “beast” energy within me I denied became so strong that it took over entirely, and I wasn’t even aware of it. I responded with the same kind of negativity that was thrown at me, and I made it lots bigger.

It took me a while to even recognize that, but I did…A wise one showed me the way. I said that I was feeling so much violence within me, yet I knew I would never act on it. He pointed out to me that I already did act on it. The intensity of the moment was so strong I didn’t even have the presence to step back and realize that in the moment.

That realization took a bit of time to integrate but did bring the greatest liberation. It’s somehow mind-boggling to me now that I continuously was faced with this energy within me in an easy way, yet I simply just poofed it away into fairy-dust and unicorns because it wasn’t nice to feel aggressive. It was evil. It must mean that I am simply a vampire or something…. Nope!

To embrace the power of the beast, to know it exists within us and is a part of us brings a deep power and strength. To see something as part of yourself is the essence of love. And when this deep primal energy and all of the darkness within is truly and fully loved and embraced, one is also empowered with a greater sense of choice.

Sometimes playing things out with physical reality and traumatic moments is the very best way to move through big unseen layers of density. If it happened, it’s a gift, and there’s a brilliant lesson within it.

Yet come on guys… It’s super true that every manifestation is a purification and an opportunity to grow, yet keep in mind when someone is really in this sort of shit step one is COMPASSION. I am grateful for everyone for how they responded and held space for me. I am a bit more grateful for the ones who held that space of compassion and asked permission before downloading layers and blocks of their own advice and telling me what I need to do/look at, when I didn’t even ask. I get that it’s all true. And I know who to go to when things come up, for me. If you have some epic advice that will help someone, just ask them before imparting it. It makes a big difference. When you feel like you are drowning in a cesspool there’s some truths that are of course true, but are not helpful.

I would like to hope that by sharing in this way when really dark shit emerges that others realize the choice they really have… If you don’t want shit like this to happen to you, don’t do what I did. Instead look at your own shit before it hits the fan. There’s always a way to catch that shit with a bucket or something. There really is. And if it does hit the fan, the only remedy for splattered shit is love…

It is possible to emerge from the cesspool quickly and I would like to hope that I’m headed now, above, and beyond, and ready for the best year ever. This really sucked. And there’s no reason to be upset with the Universe nor myself for what I manifested and how I responded. The only thing to do is to be in the eternal now and appreciate. And really cut that “invisible rubber band” by exposing the limiting beliefs for what they are, seeing those wonderful intentions within them and allowing those intentions to grow instead into forward moving jet engines of bliss.

To be 25 truly and fully WAS the best year ever. And I’m sure one day I’ll write pages and pages of what the journey of really stepping into the magic in the way I have in the past year is like. For now just gratitude. Those who have shared this year with me know… It’s been a big one. Many waves and ripples are continuing to flow from such epic play/work this year, and the next year is going to get even better.

Nothing brought me more into my heart than my super sweet friend Gen blessings us with a Kali mantra on the ukele… Somehow Kali has always been the most comforting of the deities to me. Is that just part of being a Scorpio too?

Kali really represents what what happens when the primal power with is channeled into Divinity… When that deep dark urge can be owned, Kali allows us to transform and grow, to release from the limitations and soar.

Whenever I feel that energy within me, I will remember the power of Kali and call her forth from within me…

One thing very interesting in this whole drama is that one thing that is missing is one of 77 Frequency Tarot cards… The card that is missing is “Play.”

Before this even happened one day I realized that all of the stuff I was doing started to feel somehow mundane. I diverged from what I want to embody, and have let something other than joy lead the way. It’s strange that in a place almost designated to dive into that bliss and love that my playfulness seems to vanish. This is a mystery still unraveling in every moment as I just choose now to fully and entirely nurture myself in the ways that I’ve been neglecting…

Seeing the gift in the disaster is certainly a form of alchemy… and within this disaster, there are quite a few deep and beautiful gifts.

This new year of my life in the Dreamspell calendar comes with kin Yellow Spectral Sun:

I dissolve in order to enlighten
Releasing life
I seal the matrix of Universal Fire
With the spectral tone of liberation
I am guided my my own power doubled.

If this is just the beginning of a year of “releasing life,” I suppose I must start celebrating now. Kali Ma is there within every single drama and disaster to show us that light…. So I’m grateful for the transmutation, in whatever way it plays out. Somehow or another, I’m interpreting this to be a very, very good sign.




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